Today was the day. The day that two pieces of my heart walked out the door. I knew it would be hard and I knew I would cry but seriously?? I don't think I have any tears left. I found myself last night asking God "Why are you taking my baby away?" But once again He told me, 'this is my plan, not yours and I promise I have perfect plans for you.' So I kept rocking and holding Jayden tight and finally put him to bed.
Can I just tell you how hard it is to rock your baby to sleep for the last time. I was just thinking, other than fostering, there aren't many times that you 'know' this will be the last time you rock him to sleep. And the way I loved him, and prayed for him and kissed his cheeks last night taught me something. Once I have my forever kids, I'm not promised tomorrow with them either! I pray that I can always hold on to and love my children like it's "the last time" because all kids should be loved like that.
Getting out of bed has never been harder than it was today. Washing bottles for the last time. Folding that last load of baby laundry. And packing up his diaper bag for the last time. It was just as hard as it sounds, and my heart literally hurt. But I had to be strong. Strong for my babies. But once I closed the door behind them the tears came again. Standing in the same spot in the kitchen that I cried when we got home from that first doctors appointment with S almost a year ago to the day.
The difference was, the hug that happened between me and my husband. The first hug was a "I'm really scared, I don't think I can be a mom yet" today's hug was "You have loved me through all of it and we did this TOGETHER" And it was so much more comforting. They say hard situations make you grow closer and I fully believe that. I've seen my husband do amazing things and be the biggest supporter for our family and for that I will always be grateful.
I thought I had pulled myself together and was going to lay down and try to rest when I went into J's room and found his baby book with a note saying "I wanted you to keep this, I know how special it is to you. Love you mom, S." So of course I had to look through it and see his footprints, hospital bracelets, first pictures and I can't say I held it together then either.
The hardest part for me has been not being able to explain this to Jayden. He's so little but he still knows who Andy and Kristin are and I can't imagine who is going to rock him to sleep tonight but I just pray he doesn't wonder why it's not me. I know it sounds silly but who knows what goes through babies minds.
I prayed on Saturday that I would at least get one good night of rocking him to sleep and cuddling because those of you with children know how precious that time is. And I got to rock him to sleep every single night since then and I am so grateful. Every night was perfect and comforting that God heard me and gave me so much sweet time with him. He did all the cute perfect things that I always loved like rubbing his face in my shoulder and sticking his bottom lip out and smiling in his sleep. Those were sweet moments that I will always have and it has made this a little easier.
So now what? Where do we go from here. Well I said I wasn't going to write another blog because I didn't want to seem like I wanted a pity party for myself because I don't at all. I just know people are going to ask how was it? and how are you? And I thought maybe this could answer all of those and hopefully save me some random 'crying in public' moments. So here is my answer:
I am thankful for everything the Lord has blessed me with. I am really excited for the future because I know He has amazing children just for me. I am sad, but I don't want to be defined by my circumstances. God has bigger plans and He's not through with me so I can't sit at home and feel sorry for myself. He has given me the strength for this past year and He will give me more now. So all in all, I'm doing good and we're excited to see what the future holds.
I can't explain how much support we have had the past few days. Everyone has been so encouraging and supportive. I've gotten so many calls and messages that you all are praying for us, we got flowers this morning from sweet friends at church; it's always so nice when you're reminded how many people are behind you and supporting you. I just want to say thank you for everyone that has helped us on this adventure because we all know 'it takes a village to raise a child' and we had so much help.
When God brings an end it is also a beginning and I cannot wait to see what our next journey holds. Thank you Lord and all glory and honor to you