I was talking with a friend at
lunch a few weeks ago and realized something terrible. I had become one of
“those” people that I didn’t ever want to be! The purpose of this blog was to
first glorify The Lord through our experiences with fostering and adoption but
also to show the ugly, truthful side as well as the happy with a side of
rainbows. We were discussing the issue of women feeling like they have to have
it all together all the time. The kids have to be perfect, love your husband
more than life, and your house better be spotless! We all know this isn’t true
but it’s what we usually post on social media. I told her the truth about a
picture I posted recently and felt terrible about it after our conversation. It
looked like a perfect dinner with my husband and Selah but in reality it had
been a dinner with Andy on the phone dealing with an issue and Selah screaming
her head off and acting crazy. Then that one little moment of peace after the
phone drama and the screaming I snapped a “perfect” picture. We only want to
celebrate the “perfect” but we all have those days, those screaming fits, and
the drama on the phone? So why are we all ACTING so perfect? Well, I was
convicted and told my friend that I had really let myself down with this blog.
I haven’t posted since S & J moved out! So you may think everything’s been
smooth and calm since then with no craziness. NOT TRUE! I have so much TRUTH to
tell and I’ve been praying the past few days of the best way to go about
updating you all through the past six months because it’s been quite the
rollercoaster.
The last blog post I wrote ended
with I can’t wait to see what God has planned for us next. When I typed that
and thought it out in my head I thought surely he would give us a good rest;
and by good I meant a couple of months. But, just as I had gotten comfortable
with our “new” life of date nights, cooking dinner and yoga classes God gave us
our new surprise. I told you previously how much a phone call could change your
world when you foster. I remember the time, and place as well as what I was
doing as soon as the phone rang that day. The conversation started with “Mrs.
Williams, we have a new baby here in custody and we’re looking for someone to
take her.” Oh. My. Word. My heart started racing and thoughts of “What is Andy
going to say?” “How is this going to work out?” “Is my heart ready for this
again?” and a million other things start going through my head. As soon as I
got off the phone I went to go call Andy and he walked through the front door
with a smile on his face. I told him I just got off the phone with the Social
Worker and he said “Me too!” I looked at him and said, “What are we going to
do?” and he said, “I guess we’re gonna have a baby tomorrow.” It seriously
blows my mind when I think about the time frame and how quickly life can change
forever. We got a phone call around 5 o’clock on Thursday night, we had court
at 9am on Friday morning and we picked up Selah from the hospital at 7pm that
night.
February
5th was the day that S & J left; it was just as terrible as I
thought it would be. That entire day and the next were filled with an emptiness
that I had never felt before and tons of tears. I knew I couldn’t stay like
this forever and prayed for peace; I woke up that Friday, February 7th
and honestly felt a peace in me that I hadn’t felt in a long time. It was like
God was literally telling me it’s going to be fine and I have great plans for
you. I picked myself up and we decided to make the best of our time. We went on
date’s almost every night, we cooked dinner together, and I finally started
going back to yoga class. We actually were able to sit and enjoy each other
again and it was fun just having time together without interruptions.
February
7th was a special day; it was the day our sweet Selah was born. The
day that my heart felt peace and had no idea why, two days after “our” kids
left God brought a new blessing into the world. This wasn’t a peaceful day at
all for her though, born to a cocaine addict and born into a world of terrible
withdraw. Selah is such a blessing and a miracle in so many ways. Her mother
did cocaine three hours before delivery (as well as throughout the pregnancy),
which was an emergency C-Section. She was born a month early (originally due on
Andy’s birthday, March 7th) and weighed only 3lbs and 7oz. She
stayed in the hospital for two weeks before coming home to us on February 21st.
The first few weeks were hard. It was hard to see a baby so small and be born
into such great struggles. When we brought her home she was 4lbs and 8oz and
still having terrible withdraw symptoms. There were times when she would quit
breathing, she would have seizures and seemed so lifeless most of the time. I
tear up thinking back to those times because they were so hard and seem so long
ago compared to the happy, energetic baby we have now.
To
be honest, this time around the situation has been a little easier just because
there was no emotional baggage from a terrible past filled with abuse and
neglect. Things were terrible for Selah at birth but nothing that has
emotionally scarred her today. She came home from the hospital straight to us
so it made things a little bit easier with the adjustment period instead of
working through the years of struggle that most kids in foster care come with.
I have to be completely honest and say that I use to struggle with loving
Selah’s mom. How could you do that to a child? Why do people act like that? But
in the recent weeks God has strongly convicted me about this and I now pray for
her daily. How can I be so in love with this child and not love the woman that
she came from? It’s a hard pill to swallow but once The Lord made this clear in
my heart it’s hard to think any differently. We have monthly visits with her
family and they started pretty easy. She was really small so she slept most of
the time, they would take pictures, and I would put my happy face on and
everything was fine. The last visit I went to, her mom picked her up and
immediately she started screaming. Her mom started talking to her saying things
like “Momma missed you” or “Don’t you know momma loves you?” These things are
so terribly hard for me to hear. All my fleshly thoughts arise and I want to
scream things like, “You didn’t love her all those times you were doing drugs!”
or “You haven’t called to check on her in over a month.” How terrible are those
thoughts but they are so honest and real. It’s so hard to go to visits and be
called “Mrs. Williams” instead of “Mom.” I wash the bottles, I get up during
the night, I change the diapers and helped her through withdraw and she still
gets to be called “Mom?” Those are my thoughts and I feel terrible but I’m
human and this is a hard place to be in that seems so unnatural at times and
others it feels like I couldn’t picture my life any differently. The hardest
part of all was watching Selah reaching and crying for me while her mother held
her. She has no idea who she is and it’s such a hard reality. But it also
brought a peace in knowing that she wanted me to comfort her because she was
scared; it was a little boost of hope in what seemed like a terrible situation.
Selah
is the most beautiful little girl I think I’ve ever seen. Everybody says she
looks like a doll and she needs to be a model. She is the light of my life and
I will love her forever no matter what. The love between the three of us makes
me smile just thinking about it. Things aren’t easy but it seems so worth it
just getting to love on her everyday. I have tons of people ask me “What’s
wrong with her?” and “Is she gonna be normal?” (Seriously, these are common
questions asked due to the drugs during pregnancy.) So to answer the question
we really have no idea. But, WHO CARES? She’s so perfect to us. She has been
growing well and is a little behind on some developmental milestones so we are
starting physical therapy next week. The doctor thinks she looks great and is
developing well, she’s just a little behind due to being born so early. We are
seriously so obsessed with her and I long for the day that I can post her
pictures everywhere!
August
21st was six months that she has been in state custody. After six
months the judge makes a decision of terminating the rights of the parent or
giving the mother six more months to get herself together. The long awaited day
is tomorrow, August 25th. I have prayed for this day and this judge
and everyone involved. Tomorrow could be such a big day for us. When I was
praying through this blog post I thought “Maybe I should wait until after court
to post/write because then I’ll know the outcome” then I was quietly reminded
that it would be the easy way out without showing my true feelings which is
what I’m intending to do. It’s a vulnerable situation to be in. I have zero
control of my life right now. Tomorrow could mean six more long months or it could
mean we can immediately start the adoption process to make Selah a
“Williams.” I have complete faith
that The Lord’s plan is still perfect and no matter the outcome I will love her
with all of my heart. I am so anxious and trying to be patient knowing that
everything will work out for our good and His glory. There is a battle in my
heart tonight, picking out what to wear and practicing using her legal name so
I don’t mess up tomorrow. It could be such a happy day or such a sad one but
nothing can change the love in my heart for her, our sweet Selah Jane.
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